threehundredandtwentyfive.

MONSTER

I look down at myself and can't help but feel a rush of blood through my body. Through another body. This is my achievement, my pride, my love, the most precious thing in the world... I put my warm hands on my belly and smile. The life inside of me is kicking and alive. I will give anything, do anything... Anything at all to let it take its first breath, and many breaths after, and I can't wait to show him the world, and to share my life with another beautiful human being. One who is truly my own. One who has brought me joy for the past four months and will continue to make me happy for the rest of my life.

Will hasn't been happy lately, though.

I am sitting on the couch. In the living room. In the dark. It's 2.24am.

I am hearing my breathing, in the silence. I look down and I can feel it stirring against my skin. I am feeling sorry, sorry that I couldn't be there with Will at his company dinner.

The door clicked open and the whiff of alcohol, tobacco and... Something else... The smell made my stomach churn. I fought the nausea, I fought the tears. I held my baby for comfort. I held it tightly to remind me to stay strong. I looked at Will as he dragged his feet to the bedroom, undoing his tie at the same time.

In the next ten minutes, my whole world crumbled.

***************************************

I dropped Belle home from the clinic and rushed to the hotel for my company's annual dinner. We have done well and it was time for a real, good, long-awaited celebration. Alicia greeted me with a dazzling smile at the door, and we walked into the ballroom together. We parted to our own tables and the evening officially began. The food was amazing, the music was awesome and my god, the booze... The booze was heavenly!

Hell. It was a darn good break away from home. And drinking a little wouldn't hurt. She would be asleep by the time I get home anyway. Besides, the occasion calls for it so, why not?

The dinner went on for the next hour and the hall was bustling with hearty chats, laughter, well wishes... A while later, Alicia came over and sat next to me. From then on, I lost count of the number of glasses I had. Or we had, for that matter. Then she wanted to go outside for a smoke. I refused at first, since I don't smoke and I didn't want to bring back the stench back to my home. But she convinced me. I gave in and followed her...

I was tempted. She was all over me. I resisted. She was stunning. I pushed her away. She pulled me back. I told myself, one. I gave in. She continued. I took one step back again. She pulled me back again.

My mind was filled with thoughts of Belle. I thought of my baby boy.

I took a deep breath, turned and walked away firmly.

***************************************

"What happened?"

I didn't answer.

"What did you do?"

I didn't answer.

"What did you do?" This time in a louder voice.

"Nothing. I'm tired."

"Will!" She raised her voice this time. I hate the look on her face.

"I said nothing! Go to bed!" I raised my voice back at her.

She wouldn't give in and came closer to me.

"It's not nothing. I know it's not nothing. Is it her again."

Silence.

"Is it her?!" She screamed. Bitch.

"Yes, it's her! It's her alright! What do you want me to do, when you haven't given me sex for almost two months?? TWO FUCKING MONTHS!"

And then I lost all that I ever had.

***************************************

"What happened?" I asked softly.

He didn't answer.

"What did you do?" I asked again.

Again, there was no reply.

"What did you do?" This time in a louder voice.

"Nothing. I'm tired." I hate that nonchalant look on his face.

"Will!" I said, in a louder voice.

"I said nothing! Go sleep!" He screamed.

I felt a stab to my chest. My heart raced. I couldn't breathe properly. I decided to go closer to him and persist.

"It's not nothing. I know it's not nothing. Is it her again."

Silence.

"Is it her?!" I cried.

"Yes, it's her! It's her alright! What do you want me to do, when you haven't given me sex for almost two months?? TWO FUCKING MONTHS!"

My jaw dropped. I couldn't believe my ears. I took one step back with disbelief written all over my face. And another. And another. I felt myself boiling inside while my hands and feet turned icy cold. I was burning so much with pain inside that I was afraid that I was either taking up blood from the baby or I was pumping too much blood to him. But I couldn't calm down, no matter how much I tried...

I look down at myself and can't help but feel a greater rush of blood through my body. Through another body. Suddenly this is my horror, my nightmare, a monster... I put my cold hands on my belly and gritted my teeth, tears streaming continuously down my weary face. The life inside of me is kicking and alive. But I will give anything, do anything... Anything at all to get rid of it, because it suddenly became the monster that was in the way of Will and I. I felt sorry for it too because he's got a horrible Daddy and a not-good-enough Mummy.

I didn't want to be rash. I didn't want things to end this way.

But he's gone forever.


- Marjorie Ang