THIRTYSIX.

i don't know what's wrong with me. i keep tearing at really weird times just now. and i'm studying geog -__- and with my blocked nose, it's just so xinku i can't breathe right now. God help me. i don't know how long i can keep up this pretense that nothing's wrong with me. all i need is someone to hug me and hold me tight, telling me that nothing's wrong, that everything's gonna be alright. my mind keeps drifting to a certain someone. no, it's not that somebody you're probably thinking of. i'm actually thinking of my old love. yes, i need him once again, like i needed him whenever i'm in trouble or depressed. i'm walking around like one zombie now. i no longer see any point in living anymore. yes, i may seem like a totally happy person in school and in front of people. but, i'm hurting deep inside. i don't know why. it's not because of that incident, of that i'm very sure. i really don't know why tears are falling so fast and hard down my cheeks right now. what's wrong with me? i don't have any appetite or any drive to do anything right now. everyday became a routine for me. it's like it's all planned out for me. i'm like a machine doing what God wants me to do. wake up in the morning, wash up, change, go to school, sit for lessons, turn a deaf ear to every teacher, go home, eat, sleep. and the cycle repeats itself. i don't even see things for what they are anymore. everything's a blur. there're so many times ever since friday that i stood in front of the mirror with the razor in my hand, ready to stab it into my heart. so many times i've stopped myself. that though there's no more meaning, i still have to continue to live on for the sake of others. i don't want anybody to suffer because of me anymore. i'm sick of that. let me be the silent sufferer. i'll bear other people's brunts, but i'll never let them bear mine anymore. no, this is not being 伟大 or anything. i just can't bear to see them getting sick or getting so worried because of me. that's why i seem to take things so lightly. i'm just trying to assure everybody that, "hey, everything's alright. nothing's gonna happen. don't worry please." "you have to be strong, especially now," almost everyone said that to me. but i thought, how can i be strong? i can't. i just can't. yes, i'm weak. yes, i'm a coward. i want to run away from all my problems. my dad nearly got a heart attack because of what happened. i'm blaming myself. i keep thinking, if i knew better, i would have just gone straight home that night. if i knew better, i wouldn't ask him out that day. if only i knew better...but of course, spilt milk can't be recovered. there's no turning back now. time will go on forward and will never ever go backwards. i know all these, but still, the guilt is still there. almost everyday in school i get reminded of him. either i see his teachers, or i see people whom he know. my guy friends would talk about them. i can't blame them. they don't know what happened. but still, i want them to just shut up and not bother me. i don't show it. but i felt it. people talk about not regretting whatever you do. "talk is cheap." how can i not regret? how? there's so many if onlys at this period of my life. it's messing me up. it's crapping up my whole mind. i lost interest in everything. studies, shopping, audiing, hanging out with my friends, etc. my heart is no longer into whatever i do now. i just do, because it's whats expected of me.i want to continue with my normal life, but i can't. everything's so hard now. even the most basic things like walking, eating, getting out of bed. it's not that i'm handicapped or anything. it's just hard. it's just... i wonder how long till i get back to my normal state. am i depressed? am i mentally sick? am i sick? i'm just so exhausted. do the loss of tears or a recently more active tear gland contribute to my exhaustion? i guess not huh. that's stupid. i don't ever want to hear reference to him anymore. i just don't. everytime there's a reference, my heart and mind just begin to scream out loud, break down and start crying really hard. i wish i can just wave a magic wand and say "be gone, troubles and depressions. be gone forever." i can't. i have to let go by myself. it's hard. yes, it takes time. but how long? one week? one month? few months? few years? or maybe my whole life? my studies are already so greatly affected. my o's are important. i just don't have the heart to study. prelims are tomorrow and i don't feel anything. i'm just studying for the sake of studying.

i really want to live this world. now, how many times have i said that already?