FORTYNINE.

i realised that i can't do this on my own.
i realised that i can't forget.
i realised that i will never be the same again.
i realised...

the wounds i have just can't be healed. when i thought it's gone, it just comes back again, haunting me again and again till i break down. i've been crying so much again. idk why. whenever i'm alone, my eyes just tear and it will keep flowing and flowing. i don't know how to stop them anymore. i cry over little things. i get angry over minor things. what's wrong with me? all i need is just somebody to chide me and boom! there i go, exploding, shouting. i can't control this. i can't help it. i got so tensed up on fri night that i just keep digging my nails into my flesh. i didn't know what was happening. i didn't even know i was hurting myself. i couldn't feel anything. when i calmed down, and stared at my arms and palms, i thought. what have i done to myself? what have i done?

i know i can't go on living like this.
but what can i do?
i've done my best to change.
i've done my best to occupy my mind with something.
but everytime i do,
it all just keeps flooding back to me.
i don't want to be hurt any longer...
i need to let go of the past.
i need to do that...
i need to...

FORTYEIGHT.

hahaha. i didn't have any reasons to be so excited, or anything which i can look forward to for so so long :D thanks you girls :D haha.

ytd went with sarah and cindy to imm to find for tcher's day present. but can't find. in e end decided to bake something for them :D called brina and went to her house to bake BROWNIES!!!! :D it's fun ok. hahaha.

today wrapped e brownies with e girls during e ACES hahaha =X went up to class, supposed to do cleaning BUT, end up whole class were slacking. SCBs DAMN HIGH LOL!!!! zilian lehh :D took a few piccs then went to hall to watch e peroformance ((: haha. fun lah :D

ALOT OF EXHUAYIANS TODAY!! hahaha. think this is like e FIRST TIME IN MY FOUR YEARS i see so many? hmm... or maybe last time i never go 注意. OOPS!!! hahaha :D saw ron too! HELLO :D hehehe.

went to posb to meet my mum. halfway walking there, sarah msged cindy saying that she saw HIM. argh. 忍不住 keep clenching my fists. lucky i got out of school fast. no saying what i might do if i see him. muahaha :D

went to np to lunch with e relatives. haha. hou liao lehhhh.. LOL! PINES restaurant again. haha. after that came home and watched 命中注定我爱你 raaa... xinyan got me addicted to it. LOL!!!!!!! damn nice show :D

FORTYSEVEN.

i want to leave all this behind and start afresh. can i do that? i'm doubting myself right now. it's getting harder and harder to put up this false front. haha... whatever.



















you know what? i really don't want to live anymore. let me die please...

FORTYSIX.

反正一切都已经过去了。何必还要想那么多吗？我这样活下去，对我来说是很不公平的。发生的是，都已经发生了。我已经不要去想了。但，我为什么还放不下呢？

i don't want to remember anymore...

FORTYFIVE.

okay, my stomach has shrunk... ALOT. can depression do that? i wonder... hmm..

was snacking on wafer sticks while doing my ss. and i felt full after 3 sticks O_O this is MAD! w/o water at all -___- roar! and the stick isn't even big. it's like so short, so thin O: there's sth wrong with me!

FORTYFOUR.

SUPER BAD MOOD RIGHT NOW!
but i'll control



mood alrdy so spoilt after exams when glen talked about HIM. argh. attacked my ss at jurong green mac. felt alot better :D saw ron at e busstop. haha HELLO :D

went to jp to meet mum and sis. MOOD SPOILT AGAIN. fuck it...

i really don't want ppl to even say his name anymore or say anything which has relation to what happened. i swear if the next person ever do that i'll just scold or slap her/him respectively.










i can't take this anymore. just shut up world.

FORTYTHREE.

been thinking alot today as i was doing my ss. been thinking about my life before him and i realised, i was never happy with him. took me so long to realise that huh. yeah, i'm stupid i know. but i'm not gonna let myself fall into the same trap again :D yupp! with my friends thr to do QC [o_o] haha. no guy can be my boyfriend without passing through my friends first :D

decided that i'm not going for counselling anymore. i'll handle everything myself (: and with my friends, i think i can handle this very well. not gonna put any pressure on anybody, but my friends are gonna help me pull this through. i just know it. it's hard to find such sweet devoted friends right? i have FIVE somemore :D people out there, don't jealous please (: well yeah, i can't help but feel as if i don't deserve it considering what i've done in this world. haha (: nah i'm just joking. i'm such an innocent angel in this world :D OKAY, i'm joking about that too ((:

can't help but feel dark clouds gathering above me. it's as if something really really bad is getting ready to butt its ugly head into my life...

FORTYTWO.

i'm seriously bored right now. i know i should rest more BUT, i don't feel like sleeping. heck, i spent e whole day on my bed already -__- breathing is seriously difficult right now [how many times i said tt i wonder D:] tmr yet another day of being stuck at home. damn it. if only i could just get out of here to study ): too many distractions at home. i'll do my best though. tmr, gonna chiong chi and social studies :D yupp! i'll do that (: and heck, i need to clear up and arrange ALL my worksheets soon if not my revision's gonna be put on hold w/o my notes ):

ah well...

FORTYONE.

I'M SICK! RAA..

spent e whole day sleeping cause of CRAMPS -__- i know i know, i said i won't complain BUT, it's e worst cramps i ever had )): and that's bad considering e seriousness of my cramps everytime ): woke up and had slight fever. and know breathing is HARD -__- i officially declare that my body's lacking oxygen ): roar!

tried to do ss in e morning. did a LITTLE?? then cramps became too bad for me handle so end up i went to sleep instead. and guess what? i'm feeling tired now -__- I'M SUCH A PIG!!! but then, considered what i've been through and still going through, it's no surprise. haven't been able to sleep properly. haha (: it's getting alot better though :D

ohhh, was looking through friendster ytd and i suddenly realised sth. i still had my closest prischool friend's profile. LOL!!!! yea, i seriously didn't realise that -__- that's really dumb O_O

i seriously want my phone back. wondering when i can get it ):

FORTY.

I HAVE NO IDEA WHY I'M SO MAD TODAY!!! HAHAHA.

think it's cause i finally feel as if everything's gone. haha. heart to heart talk with cindy just now over e phone. feel ALOT better now. yeah, it's a SIGN! LOL! i'm getting back to my crazy self :D yay!

MAKE WAY MAKE WAY! LAY OUT RED CARPET FOR THE SIAOCHARBOR SIDE OF ANG HUI XIN MABELLINE WHICH WAS STAGNANT FOR SO LONG!!!!

LOL :D

see see? i'm MAD

THIRTYNINE.

ABOSOLUTELY CRAZY TIME ON MSN RIGHT NOW. LOL!

THIRTYEIGHT.

found out that mrkoh knows about what happened. oh well, there you go. your image of your "best chem student" is tarnished. good. now you know what he's actually like (:

i realized that i'm feeling better as i tell others about what happen. ah well, i'm not going to brood over it anymore :D i'll be back to my happy and crazy self :D

went to polyclinic with yan after papers today. LOL! something funny happened with a weighing machine and a CERTAIN SOMEONE. hahaha :D and squeezing white suffs out of your eye is GROSS. LOL! ((: hope it gets better soon though. then you can have PRETTY EYES again! :D hahaha.

i'm alone at home right now. been so long since i'm all alone by myself huh. thanks ALOT.

THIRTYSEVEN.

I THINK I'M GONNA CAM-WHORE LIKE @!$@##! WHEN MY PHONE GETS BACK TO ME!!!! RAAAA -pouts-

okay, i've gone mad -___- LALALA! don't know why today so super duper uber HIGH. LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!! no, i didn't do anything -____- i came home, played audi, then suddenly felt HIGH! LOL!! ohhhhhhh I'M LEVEL 18 BTW LOL. okay, i've OFFICIALLY GONE CRAZY!

THIRTYSIX.

i don't know what's wrong with me. i keep tearing at really weird times just now. and i'm studying geog -__- and with my blocked nose, it's just so xinku i can't breathe right now. God help me. i don't know how long i can keep up this pretense that nothing's wrong with me. all i need is someone to hug me and hold me tight, telling me that nothing's wrong, that everything's gonna be alright. my mind keeps drifting to a certain someone. no, it's not that somebody you're probably thinking of. i'm actually thinking of my old love. yes, i need him once again, like i needed him whenever i'm in trouble or depressed. i'm walking around like one zombie now. i no longer see any point in living anymore. yes, i may seem like a totally happy person in school and in front of people. but, i'm hurting deep inside. i don't know why. it's not because of that incident, of that i'm very sure. i really don't know why tears are falling so fast and hard down my cheeks right now. what's wrong with me? i don't have any appetite or any drive to do anything right now. everyday became a routine for me. it's like it's all planned out for me. i'm like a machine doing what God wants me to do. wake up in the morning, wash up, change, go to school, sit for lessons, turn a deaf ear to every teacher, go home, eat, sleep. and the cycle repeats itself. i don't even see things for what they are anymore. everything's a blur. there're so many times ever since friday that i stood in front of the mirror with the razor in my hand, ready to stab it into my heart. so many times i've stopped myself. that though there's no more meaning, i still have to continue to live on for the sake of others. i don't want anybody to suffer because of me anymore. i'm sick of that. let me be the silent sufferer. i'll bear other people's brunts, but i'll never let them bear mine anymore. no, this is not being 伟大 or anything. i just can't bear to see them getting sick or getting so worried because of me. that's why i seem to take things so lightly. i'm just trying to assure everybody that, "hey, everything's alright. nothing's gonna happen. don't worry please." "you have to be strong, especially now," almost everyone said that to me. but i thought, how can i be strong? i can't. i just can't. yes, i'm weak. yes, i'm a coward. i want to run away from all my problems. my dad nearly got a heart attack because of what happened. i'm blaming myself. i keep thinking, if i knew better, i would have just gone straight home that night. if i knew better, i wouldn't ask him out that day. if only i knew better...but of course, spilt milk can't be recovered. there's no turning back now. time will go on forward and will never ever go backwards. i know all these, but still, the guilt is still there. almost everyday in school i get reminded of him. either i see his teachers, or i see people whom he know. my guy friends would talk about them. i can't blame them. they don't know what happened. but still, i want them to just shut up and not bother me. i don't show it. but i felt it. people talk about not regretting whatever you do. "talk is cheap." how can i not regret? how? there's so many if onlys at this period of my life. it's messing me up. it's crapping up my whole mind. i lost interest in everything. studies, shopping, audiing, hanging out with my friends, etc. my heart is no longer into whatever i do now. i just do, because it's whats expected of me.i want to continue with my normal life, but i can't. everything's so hard now. even the most basic things like walking, eating, getting out of bed. it's not that i'm handicapped or anything. it's just hard. it's just... i wonder how long till i get back to my normal state. am i depressed? am i mentally sick? am i sick? i'm just so exhausted. do the loss of tears or a recently more active tear gland contribute to my exhaustion? i guess not huh. that's stupid. i don't ever want to hear reference to him anymore. i just don't. everytime there's a reference, my heart and mind just begin to scream out loud, break down and start crying really hard. i wish i can just wave a magic wand and say "be gone, troubles and depressions. be gone forever." i can't. i have to let go by myself. it's hard. yes, it takes time. but how long? one week? one month? few months? few years? or maybe my whole life? my studies are already so greatly affected. my o's are important. i just don't have the heart to study. prelims are tomorrow and i don't feel anything. i'm just studying for the sake of studying.

i really want to live this world. now, how many times have i said that already?

THIRTYFIVE.

ARGH...!!!!!!

frking stressed right now. EVEN THOUGH I'M NOT STUDYING -___- cried during chemmy at e staircase cause of you-know-what. and YEA i'm thinking too much =X cause it's confirmed that IT won't happen :D sigh of relieve.

talked alot with jasmine. hahaha! we finally have our date ((: then went to xinyan's hse.

can't help but feel guilty. feel as if i've added to your problems and made it worse ): i really feel like dying now and idk why. as i sat on your floor with you and her in e other room, i thought of so many things, and i teared. i didn't want to cry. you were alrdy so caught up with your problems i don't wanna add more. cried when i talked to mum at e interchange too. idk what's wrong with me. i just want to leave this world once and for all. yes, i'm a coward.

THIRTYFOUR.

i wish i can say GOODBYE WORLD once and for all.

rather crazy day in school today. HAHAHA! xinyan didn't come and funny things happen. during recess jasmine and brina tied cindy's hair into two ponytails and weijuan took a pic of it on mswong's phone. LOL!!! was damn funny and i'm surprised tt cindy actually took it willingly O_O hahaha. sadded. xinyan couldn't see show. LOL!

crapped alot with melvin, patrick and glen during eng lessons. melvin gave riddles. hahaha! and cindy is suaku -___- me and melvin give her e riddle then she cannot guess. we damn pekcek. LOL! AND!!! next time i will support glen whenever he shoots cindy :D lalala. cindy is evil. hmph! ):

oh xinyan, quickly accept la. proposed MARRIAGE twice le leh. LOL! lalala.

yeah, i'm officially exhausted, emotionally and physically. i have no idea why. no amount of sleep can help. and i'm officially very very sick ):

THIRTYTHREE.

hahaha. now at ahyan's hse ((:

didnt go for math today. went to teh tarik with xinyan and syndris then go polyclinic instead =X SORE THROAT SINCE YTD!!! raa... cry too much alrdy. LOL =X and now i have ttl THREE med to take -____- two cause nauseousness and one cause drowsiness.. zzz... )):

and YEA, for e first time i can't wait for my period to come. i won't complain about cramps anymore!!! oh...maybe only this time =X!

i hate my life right now. seriously. i just want to forget but everyone at home is making tt hard for me. e absence of my phone, my mum fetching me to and fro. argh. it's just so so hard. constant reminder of reality. yes, i know they're just worried and protecting me. but i just want to live life as normally as possible. why can't you let me?

got one tcher came into math class today. and it's HIS math tcher. when i saw her, my mood immediately went down. argh -__- damn you.

ohh! and i miss my old friends ): ashton, kenneth, nalgene, camille, xavier, etc. sighhhhh... haven't been talking to you guys since FOREVER! esp since HIM -___- roar!

THIRTYTWO.

hehe. i got this from somebody's friendster profile and i think it's really sweet (:

In an effort to get people to look
into each other's eyes more,
the government has decided to allot
each person exactly one hundred
and sixty-seven words, per day.

When the phone rings, I put it
to my ear without saying hello.
In the restaurant I point
at chicken noodle soup.
I am adjusting well to the new way.

Late at night, I call my long
distance lover and proudly say
I only used fifty-nine today.
I saved the rest for you.

When she doesn't respond,
I know she's used up all her words
so I slowly whisper I love you,
thirty-two and a third times.
After that, we just sit on the line
and listen to each other breathe.

THIRTYONE.

why can't my fam just stop talking about it. i'm sick and tired of listening to them. why can't they just shut up. why can't they just understand that i need to forget about this. why.

THIRTY.

i love my girlfriends. seriously. i don't know how i would pull my life through w/o them and their support. i'm just so grateful for five girls who are there for me whenever i need them. i really can feel genuine care, concern and love from them [unless they're good at acting. LOL nahh. just kidding(: ] they made me feel that i'm not alone in times of crisis, and i know now that no matter what, they wouldn't shun me aside, but instead would do their best to help me. i can't express my gratitude enough. all i can say is thanks [for the don't-know-how-many times]

i love you girls! scbs forever :D

TWENTYNINE.

argh. damn you fucker.

thanks to e scbs.
thanks to ms wong.
thanks to those who have been there.
thank god.
i love you guys (:

TWENTYEIGHT.

i'm sick and tired of this life i have to lead.
i'm sick and tired of all this problems i have to face.
i'm sick and tired of people telling me what to do and what not to do.
i'm sick and tired of lying.
i'm sick and tired of keeping secrets to myself.
i'm sick and tired of having to decide when i don't know how.
i'm sick and tired of being forced to make choices.
i'm sick and tired of disappointing people.
i'm sick and tired of myself.

yes, my chi o's sucks. c6. i can't say that i didn't expect it. because i did. i was just too damn distracted that day. plus i wasn't feeling well. i wasn't even supposed to be there in the exam hall. i was supposed to... sigh.

tmr's eng oral. i can't say that i'm not nervous. because i really am. yeah, i may seem so happy-go-lucky to the whole world. but i'm not. i'm just really tired of having to study. but i'll be doing my best now. yupp, get ready to see mabelline in her prime :D

prelims starts next friday. i can't say that i'm studying. because i'm not. i don't even know where my timetable went. yes. this is how much i don't want to face up to reality. that's bad right? but i made a promise to myself. it's really time to shine. it's really time to chiong. and i WILL do well for my o's. i will. i will...

thanks to my parents for bringing me into this world.
thanks to my sister for supporting me no matter what.
thanks to my friends for being there for me, for understanding me and most of all, for supporting me too.
thanks to my teacher for talking to me today.
thanks to myself, for being strong enough to live till this day.

and thus, i said a final goodbye.

TWENTYSEVEN.

i wasn't even angry or anything until you started msging me those smses. oh, nvm. what's the point?
and what save msges for other guys man. i already told you i won't msg you already right? -__-

TWENTYSIX.

thanks alot for ruining my birthday...

was really pissed off this morning. sigh... i won't go into details though.

jie woke up really late. so end up we didn't go out for movie. watched "kungfu hiphop" at home though. then after tt lie on my bed and i fell asleep unintentionally =X when woke up was feeling rather feverish. felt better after splashing some cool water on my face (:

went to mad jack to eat :D it's at bukit timah. haha. the food's nice (: i ate grilled fish with cream sauce and mash potato. side dish was cheese fries :D i LOVE e grilled fish. yepp! it's my current fave western dish (: and the salad it came with? it's peach and apple salad. it was absoultely WONDERFUL. with the sweet taste of the peach and apple mixed with the bitterness of the lettuce, mmmm! :P


my grilled fish w/ cream sauce


CHEESE FRIES! :D

TWENTYFIVE.

090808 happy nat day to all :D
went out with jie and mum to chinatown. mum wanted to get something at OG. me and jie were wearing red and white ytd ok LOL yea... we were sg flags ytd =X

went to ppls park first and jie bought a bag and a pair of shorts at felio house. haha. cute shop with alot of pretty things (: wen to OG, mum bought rice cooker. train-ed hm. at lakeside me and jie bus-ed to kfc to buy dinner.






watched ndp while dinner-ing. and yea... stomach upset again. raaaaa... i want my stomach to be stronger man ):

wanted to watch movie after e ndp but... dad went to sleep so yea... ended up we didn't watch. counted down on msn (: yepyepyep! i'm officially sixteen right now. muahaha :D

thanks to all for e birthday wishes yea? appreciate it lots :D hugs and kisses to all of you!

TWENTYFOUR.

yes, yet another nat day/countdown to my bday spoilt. oh well... can't be help huh.

i can't believe i'm crying on nat day. well, that's two years in a row now.

TWENTYTHREE.

:D ONE MORE DAY TO SWEET SIXTEEN!

roar... how i wish i can go see fireworks tonight but... haha. if only i didn't reach home so late last night. maybe will have better chance of going out huh ):

idk why but suddenly, all this hype about my birthday being just a few hours away seems to be gone. shrugs. feeling so damn exhuasted. been doing my work since i woke up and last night after i bathed. yeah... i actually did my work. been so long since i did that and now... sigh. just feeling damn tired that's all.

oh. how can i be emo at a time like this? when my birthday is just tmr? please, bring back that hype i've been feeling for the past weeks ):

TWENTYTWO.

:D TWO MORE DAYS TO SWEET SIXTEEN!

whoa.. this blog is dying. let me revive it. hehehe :D so... much had happened since i last updated (:

3rdaug, sunday [030808]
went to sentosa with roy :D hahaha. had loads of fun, but... look at my leg T.T

took e monorail from vivocity (:







wanted to go to e southernmost point of asia continent but we took e wrong bus and went to siloso beach when we should be going to palawan beach. haha. so we cycled LOL i don't know how many MILLION years never cycle already ok =X had LOADS of fun :D





after that tram-ed down to palawan beach [yes, finally we're on e right track =X] found e bridge and walked across it :D took some pics and then i saw this really small beach with really nice rocks and clear water. climbed down e rocks. halfway, i SLIPPED. argh. yepp! tts how i got these ugly scars on my leg T.T so ttly no mood to picwhore alrdy so went back. washed e scratches then went back to vivo.





me and my bff :D











bought rum :D haha. though wanted something stronger but... argh bo bian ):



8thaug, today [080808]
woke up quite late? hehe =X switched on my phone and saw msg from nisa. needed to be in school by 6.45. i was like WTF!!! rushed like mad to get ready then left house. luckily reached on time man =X if not... haha. helped with e makeup and stuffs. went to hall. e performance was nice. haha AND I USED A SONY CYBERSHOT!!!!! omgomgomgs hahaha. very nice to use :D i want one!!!! ):

roar it up concert. school's talentime was erm...ok? haha =X

cabbed back home, rushed to get ready then chiong to boonlay meet cindy. train-ed and bus-ed down to jasmine's hse for lunch :D hahaha. steamboat leh :D and they made e chilli themselves. hahaha! e chilli was damn nice :D and xinyan was e first one who peeled prawns for me. sarah also have. thanks girls! i'm touched :D eat until i was damn full ): [yeah... i put on onekg -__-]















after tt slacked awhile in her room













came out to picwhore and cut my beautiful cake :D okay... so now i'm going to tell you how we ate it. we just took forks and digged in LOL :D we didn't even cut it up or anything. it's fun kehhh?!?!?! hahaha choc mint cake :D damn nice.






okay.. this is uber PORN -_-





after eating went down to play volleyball :D hahaha. damn fun man ((: cindy and brina left first. then e rest of us went back up to cool down. at abt 4+ we left (:

ended up i didn't have dinner. too full alrdy ah =X BUT, i'm hungry now -__- damn it. roar.

more pics will be uploaded at a later date (:


and as i sat there thinking...

TWENTYONE.

ROAR! I INJURE MYSELF!!!!! T.T will update abt what happened when i don't feel so much pain ): i just put e antiseptic and it's STINGING me!!!!! ROAR!!!! it's frking pain -__-

TWENTY.

i'm alrdy at the edge of sanity. don't push me. i'm close to breaking down.

NIGHTEEN.

went out for dinner with mum at imm (: ate at wang chai hong kong cafe :D pork chop baked rice! woo! hahaha. damn full. stomach upset =X

went to everlast to look for sneakers. argh! no size. need to wait for stock to come. so yea, i'll be patient [sigh.]

shopped at daiso. mum's acting like a kid more and more these days. no idea why. don't wanna explain also. so ppl better not ask.

boarded bus at approx. 9.27. reached home, online then bathed.

EIGHTEEN.

muffins for sale!

available flavours
chocolate, blueberry, cranberry, banana, walnut, strawberry.
flavours subject to availability.

price
$0.90ea for chocolate.
$1ea for the rest.
$0.10 will be charged for each added ingredient

for more details, email mabelline1992@hotmail.com
please order at least one week in advance (:

chocolate(:


blueberry(:

SEVENTEEN.

feverish.

SIXTEEN.

haha. was feeling bored so took some tests on cooltests.com :D and share with you e ans. hahaha! so true (:

Attention magnet alert! Outgoing is your middle name and you know it! Take care though, because some people are scared away by your overly confident attitude.

you have such perfect control over your emotions, it's almost scary. You have a lot of confidence and you don't let things get to you. Or maybe you simply don't care enough about certain people or things to be jealous. It's a good thing that you're almost never jealous, but remeber that you're a human being, not a robot. You should show more of your emotions, so people'll at least know you have them!

you're so faithful, your partner couldn't wish for more. You'd never ever cheat, and would sacrifice everything for the love of your life. That's admirable, but watch out for being taken advantage of, 'cause not everyone's as committed as you are.

with your witty comments and good looks you hit the bullseye most of the time. Whether shy or outgoing, you know exactly how to twist them around your finger! When you're interested in someone you don't have any trouble to get things moving. Still, you're insecure every now and then, or maybe even a bit shy. That's okay though... because your sensitive side is also very attractive! You always get plenty of attention and seem to have found a perfect flirting state of mind

you're great at kissing: passionate, stormy, sensitive - you can do it all. Your kisses come from the heart. You've got the feeling just right and show a lot of interest in your partner. For you it's not about performance but feelings. Altough you like to experiment, you never forget that it's not the technique that counts but the intent! It's not surprising that a lot of boy's fall for your kisses.

LOL (:

FIFTEEN.

:D EIGHT MORE DAYS TO SWEET SIXTEEN!

watched 钱不够用2 ytd at westmall. e show's nice! :D wanted to watch redcliff, but then engwah don't show. so... haha (: maybe wait for dad to buy e dvd :D

damn exhausted.

please let your ulcer be gone ):